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FACING THE FEAR FROM INSIDE…

By Mariann Saether, espn.com
December 30, 2006
FACING THE FEAR FROM INSIDE…
 
-As long as you don’t swim, it will be ok….- How many times have I not heard that line, and how many times have I not said it myself. Well, a year and a half ago I stood above a class five canyon on the Rio Pascua, in the deep south of Patagonia, Chile, and said those words out aloud. It was day three on the river, we were the third group to run it, myself being the first female to ever set foot in those depths of the earth. On the trip was Alex Nicks, filming for his new video, Matt Gontram from the US and Tyler Curtis from Canada. We had had a serious trip so far, with super high levels, epic portages and only rain for three days.
 

Mentally, I was getting very tired, and could only think of the dry clothes at take-out, the food, the warmth, and not at least..The safety. I had been terrified for three days straight, the power of the river pushing us around blind corners, forcing us downstream, denying us eddies, it was simply more than I had ever experienced before.

However, we made a point of being as careful as we could be, never heading blind into canyons, never paddling over our abilities… So then we stood untop of the last canyon of the Pascua, a canyon that we later learned that the two other groups had walked before us. What we could see was a blasting current raging downstream, between the canyonwalls, drowning all the features in the gorge, so that it very much looked runnable. The surge up the walls were meters high, there were eddylines and crashing waves, but as long as you did not swim, you would be fine…
 

Alex Nicks went first, and made it through ok. Tyler peeled out of the eddy before me, Matt was behind me. As I headed into the canyon I remember being very tense, very focused and very determined to make it out on this day. And then, a big wave hit me, turned into a big hole and ripped my paddle out of my hands… After a couple of desparate handroll attempts I pulled the skirt and new that my chance of survival was pretty much not existing. What else can I say? I fought for my life almost to the bitter end, and amazingly enough, I made it through alive.. Mostly thanks to Tyler, who by pure luck and a lot of strength managed to get to me halfway down the canyon, fighting for my life almost as hard as myself.
 

Sometimes I still dream about the power of the water that almost took me away, that made me sob like a little bably on the back of Tylers kayak, that made me almost give up… And people who know me, they know that I don’t cry very often, I don’t freak out on the river, I simply manage and I deal with what happens.

I guess what made me really realize that I was most likely going to die, was the fact that after I had been sucked down into a deep darkness twice, swirled around in whirlpools, I had only moved about five meters downstream as I came up the second time, desperate for air.. And the canyon was something like 200 meters long… And the crux was at the bottom.

End of story, I made it out, and I was back on the river as soon as I could. There was never a question in my brain about when I would be kayaking again, as the river is my life, and I have not paddled less in the time afterwards, maybe even more than before. But, there are moments, that I fight a tremendous fear that comes from deep inside…It is a fear that appears when I am putting on rivers that are flooded, that are super high, and that have a similar force to it as the Pascua had those days in march, a year and a half ago.. A great example is just the other day, on the Futaleufu river, Chile. I have been coming back to this river for 8 years now, I have paddled it at all different levels and it is basically my home river. I simply love it for all that it has taught me over the years, all the slaps I have gotten in the face, all the moments of joy, all the surfing time… But the other day, when we arrived and I saw the Futa in flood, something like 60 000 cfs rushing down it, I felt the fear inside. The fear of a random wave hitting me, taking away my paddle, popping my sprayskirt, making me swim… Because it is all good if you don’t swim….

The boys were all merry and looking forward to paddling the bridge to bridge (the other sections are out of the question at this level), and I was fighting the fear inside, even starting to dread a particular wave that I knew would be powerful… I thought about the excuses I could use to not put on, and I realised that I did not have an excuse. Not unless I made the fear take control.. I stood on the bridge for two minutes, looking into the force of the first rapid, picking my line, estimating the force of the waves that would build up, break and dissapear, and I knew that this is my lfie, and that if I walked away, I would be myself anymore. So I picked up my paddle, I put on my spray skirt and just before we headed into the current, I silently told Tyler "Keep an eye on me…". He nodded, and I knew that he understood.

The first rapid was amazingly powerful, and I was happy in my Mamba, staying on top of the water. There is one rapid I really don’t like after my Pascua experience….It is super easy, just a couple of eddylines, but with huge whirlpools at that flooded level.. As I headed into it I could only think of the whirlpools that sucked me under, time after time on the Pascua, and it all made me paddle harder than ever… So, in the end I arrived at take-out, all smiles and feeling super confident. I am not alt all done with my fear, and I most likely will always keep it close to heart, as the saying says you should do with your enemies, but I will never ever let it take control, because I know that if I do, I will loose myself and who I am.

Remember that being scared only shows intellegence and to some extent experience, and it is never shameful to be frightened. It is only when you let it take control over your mind that it turns into being unacceptable… Face the fear, never ever hide…

MS